


Romulus and Remus and the Destiny that Royally Sucked

by Loki_Ro_Sparrow



Category: Ancient Roman Religion & Lore
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 10:58:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3689697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Ro_Sparrow/pseuds/Loki_Ro_Sparrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written with my friends Elise S. and Jackie J. as a Latin project.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Romulus and Remus and the Destiny that Royally Sucked

**Author's Note:**

> Written with my friends Elise S. and Jackie J. as a Latin project.

Romulus and Remus were too young to know anything at the time. Too young to know Rhea Silvia was their mother, and Mars their father. Too young to know why they couldn't stay with her. Too young to even know they were siblings, much less twins. Romulus and Remus were abandoned and would be dead, were it not for the wolf prostitute who happened across them in the woods, of whom they had barely any memories.

Their beginnings were undoubtedly strange, though their lives were destined to be nothing short of extraordinary. Romulus and Remus were an odd pair: one with a bond so strong that not even mighty Jupiter himself could separate them. Even in death they would find each other, and be together forever more.

"But Rhea, I love you! My heart and my nether regions are yours!"

"Go fondle your own nether regions, you're not getting anything else from me!" Rhea Silva retorted, flipping Mars the bird. She was so done with Mars. Who knew the god of war could be so clingy? 

"But Rhea-"

"Mars! If you don't leave right now, I will tell Jupiter everything we've been doing!"  
Mars paused, thinking about the consequences that would befall him if Jupiter found out that he had been canoodling with Jupiter's favorite Vestal Virgin.

"Yeah, bye!" Mars disappeared in a puff of glitter.   
"Dear Jupiter! He calls himself the God of War?!", Rhea ranted. "More like the God of 'I-can't-take-no-for-an-answer', with a subdivision God of 'Mommy-my-girlfriend-broke-up-with-me-and-I-need-ice-cream-and-footie-pajamas'! I cannot believe that imbecile got me pregnant."

\--------------------------------------------------------------

When Rhea gave birth, she soon realized she was not equipped to care for a child, let alone two twin boys. Therefore, for some reason, she decided that leaving them in the forest was a brilliant idea.

In that forest, the twins Romulus and Remus were found by a shape shifting wolf-prostitute. Don't ask how that business worked. It was Ancient Rome; weird stuff happened all the time. Anyway, this wolf-prostitute cared for the boys until she handed them off to a farmer and his wife, and they cared for little Romulus and Remus as their own. The twins were very young when this exchange happened, and remembered nothing.

Romulus and Remus grew up without knowing their true heritage. They didn't even know they were brothers. All they were told was that they were found in the woods by a wolf (the farmer and his wife didn't think the prostitute part was appropriate) and that the farmer and his wife raised them. Nevertheless, the twins grew up happy and healthy. Eventually, they grew to become more than just best friends.

"Romulus, be gentle with me!" Remus grunted.  
"You're fifteen. Don't be such a baby, Remus." Romulus replied.  
"I wouldn't be such a baby if you would BE GENTLE."  
"I apologize for trying to pop your shoulder back into its socket. Maybe next time you won't fall out of a tree." Romulus said as he pushed and pulled on Remus' arm, trying to get it to fit back into its god damned socket already.  
"You pushed me out of it!"   
"Don't be such a baby, Remus."  
"BOYS!" The farmer's wife was fed up with all of their antics, "I KNOW YOU ARE BEHIND THAT BUSH BY THE TREE, AND YOU HAD BEST NOT BE CANOODLING!" Romulus' head popped up over the bush.  
"No Mother, Remus dislocated his shoulder and I'm trying to fix it." The farmer's wife huffed and went back inside. Remus put his hand, the one attached to his dislocated shoulder, over his eyes and blushed.  
"That was so embarrassing. I cannot believe she thought that's what we were doing"  
"Well," Romulus considered, "she has caught us doing that before. In fact, I believe it was behind this very same bush..." Romulus trailed off with a wicked grin.  
"Romulus, no! I am injured!" Remus tried to scoot away. Romulus just kept grinning and scooted closer.  
Let's just say that it was a very long night for Romulus and Remus, and leave it at that.

They were around eleven when they first admitted they had a certain attraction to the other, it had only happened after once again Remus had fallen out of another tree and Romulus was trying to help him but tripped and somehow ended up kissing him by mistake. Neither felt it was right but something about sneaking around with the other made them not really care. A certain rush of adrenaline, a spark in their hearts, and the things they eventually did to each other that could only be described as NSFPD (Not Safe For Public Display). As they grew up, they fell more in love with each other every day. However, things were about to take a turn for the worse. Mars, their father, had had enough of this nonsense about not interacting with his sons.

"Come on, Bacchus, one more drink!" Mars slurred. It had been eighteen years and he still had not gotten over Rhea. Bacchus sighed.  
"Mars, you are the saddest, most pathetic excuse for a God I have ever met."  
"But RHEEEEAAAAA-HA-HA! My lo-o-ove!" He reached for the bottle before Bacchus could snatch it away. "You know what, Bacchus? I've had the most brilliant idea!"  
"Oh no."  
"I'll go and see my sons!"  
"Oh dear."  
"I'll tell them I'm their father, and they'll come live with me!"  
"This is an awful plan."  
"I'll go right now!" Mars got up to leave, and promptly fell over. "That is, I'll go when I've remembered how to walk again." Bacchus face palmed, but realized his efforts were futile, and left Mars to his own devices.

Many hours later (that was some pretty potent mead Mars had consumed), Mars arrived in the fields surrounding the house of the farmer and his wife. He quickly spotted Romulus and Remus wrestling in the grass near the stream.  
"Submit!"  
"Never!"  
"Submit, Remus!"  
"No! If you keep on with your idiocy, we're going to roll into the stream and get all wet!"  
"I'm sorry, I thought you already were." Romulus said with a wink and a grin. Remus used this distraction to elbow Romulus in the nether regions and escape his grasp.  
"I have escaped!"  
"Not on my watch!" Romulus was about to tackle Remus again when he spotted Mars.  
"Who the hell are you?"  
"Show some respect for your elders, boy!" Mars slurred, still slightly tipsy. "I'm Mars, and you and him are my twin sons!" Mars beamed at them, thinking his announcement would be well received. Oh boy, was he wrong.  
"We're what now?!" Romulus and Remus hollered in unison. They were livid, absolutely and completely livid.  
"My sons!" Mars continued to beam.  
"Oh, you shrimp-d*#ked f^%k nugget!" Romulus yelled. Mars was too busy contemplating the size of the part of his anatomy that Romulus had called shrimpy to notice the fist coming towards his face. Mars stood there, shocked that anyone would dare lay a finger (much less a fist) on him.  
"Where have you been these past eighteen years?! Why are you here now?! What right do you have to force yourself into our lives after all this ti—"  
"SILENCE! YOU SHALL PAY DEARLY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!" Mars thundered, which was a little pathetic. Thundering was his father's area of expertise, not his. "I CURSE YOU! ONE OF YOU WILL DIE, AND IT WILL BE AT THE HANDS OF THE OTHER! SO I HAVE SAID IT AND SO IT SHALL BE!" With that, Mars disappeared in another puff of glitter. Romulus and Remus looked at each other.  
"Well, if he is our father, he wouldn't have actually cursed us. Right? Of course I'm right, I'm always right." Remus tried to reassure himself and his newly revealed brother. Romulus just stood there.  
"I can't believe I've been screwing my brother." He mumbled. Remus face palmed, not believing that that was the key concern for Romulus.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

A few years later, when they were twenty-two and full-fledged adults, the king Amulius raised taxes. Again.  
"He is getting out of hand!" Romulus paced around the room he shared with Remus. "He keeps raising taxes, though he knows that people could barely pay them as it was!"  
"Romulus, I'm upset about it too, but there's nothing we can do about it." Remus tried to be the voice of reason, but to no avail.  
"Maybe we can't, but Numitor can! Remus, you're brilliant! We'll get rid of Amulius and put Numitor back on the throne! It's perfect!"  
"And how exactly are we going to get rid of Amulius?" Remus said, reluctant to go along with whatever scheme Romulus had concocted, but resigned to the fact that he really didn't have much of a choice. Romulus just stared at him like he was an idiot.  
"Oh gods, we're going to kill him, aren't we?"  
"That's the plan!" Romulus replied cheerfully. Remus groaned.

"Gods dammit Romulus! I tried to warn you this was an awful plan!" Remus yelled as they ran for their lives. It had been two weeks since they put Numitor back on the throne, and somehow it was discovered that it was them that killed Amulius.  
"I thought Numitor would be grateful! I didn't think he'd try to have us killed!"  
"Well, we did murder someone!" The boys (physically they were men, but they were so immature that they really couldn't be considered as such), had managed to shake off their pursuers and had come to rest in a range of hills.  
"Don't be such a baby, Remus. You know what? We should build our own city. Right there on that tall hill, over there." Romulus pointed to the future Palatine Hill. "Very sunny up there, we'll get a wonderful tan."  
"I agree on the city thing, but lets do it on that shorter hill." Remus countered, pointing at the future Aventine Hill.  
"How about we use augury to decide, and whoever sees a sign first will come back down here and wait for the other." Romulus suggested, and Remus nodded his consent. They climbed the hills they had chosen and asked the gods for a sign.  
Remus was the first to return, followed by Romulus about ten minutes later.  
"I've been waiting here forever, Romulus. I saw three birds. Let's build on my hill." Remus said, still a little out of breath.  
"I saw eight birds. I win! Wait, Remus, you sound a bit out of breath. Is everything alright?" Romulus was concerned. Sure, he had always been in better physical condition than Remus, but that was not to say that Remus was ever out of shape. Remus shrugged.  
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just feel a little off."  
"And how long, exactly, have you been feeling a little off?" Romulus asked. Remus looked at him sheepishly.  
"Around two weeks..." Romulus' eyes widened. Just then, they heard a whooshing noise, and a strange blue box appeared behind them. A strange man in strange clothes stepped out, and in his hand was a slim metal object. This strange man in the strange clothes pointed this strange object at Remus, looked at it, then looked the twins with a look of the utmost sympathy.  
"I'm afraid you have cancer. You've had it for quite awhile now. In fact, I’m surprised you've made it this long." This strange man said.  
"And who the hell are you?" Romulus asked. "And what, exactly, is this cancer you say my brother has?"  
"Cancer is a terminal illness, for which you don't have the cure. As for who I am: I am the Doctor." Romulus perked up when the strange man said who he was.  
"You're a doctor? Wonderful, fix him!"  
"I'm not a doctor, not the sort you need. I cannot fix him. There are two things my sonic doesn't do: wood and people. I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry." The strange man said, before stepping back into his strange blue box and disappearing with another whooshing noise. Romulus looked back to Remus, who had finally caught his breath.  
"Oh, don't look at me like that, Romulus! I'm not dead yet." Remus said, rolling his eyes.  
"Don't you remember Mars' curse?"  
"Quite well, but I don't plan on dying just yet. Anyway, I say we build two separate cities and be partners in trade or something, there's no other way to avoid fighting about it." Remus said. Romulus nodded his agreement, but couldn't help but worry about his brother.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Over the course of the next few weeks, as they started construction on their cities, Remus got worse. So much worse. His illness got so bad that he couldn't even climb the hill anymore. One day, he went to Romulus with a request that he knew Romulus would not like.  
"Romulus?"  
"What, Remus?" Romulus asked, worried.  
"I think we both know what you have to do, Romulus." Remus said with sad, tired eyes.  
"No." Romulus wouldn’t do it. He could not bear the loss of his brother, the loss of the only person who he ever truly loved. "I can't, Remus. I won't." He had tears in his eyes, but dammit he would not let them fall.  
"Romulus, I am in pain. You must." Remus pulled out a dagger and tried to hand it to Romulus. Romulus backed away, refusing what they both knew he had to do.  
"Romulus. Please. Let me die on my own terms. Please." Romulus just looked at him, finally letting a few tears slip. "Don't be such a baby, Romulus." Remus said, earning a sad chuckle out of Romulus. Romulus took a deep breath, and took the dagger from Remus' hand.  
"Promise me you'll build your city. Promise me you'll be happy."  
"I promise. I'll named my city Reme, after you."  
"Reme is an awful name. Name it Rome."  
"Bit conceited, don't you think?"  
"Just like you." Remus tried to joke.  
"I love you, Remus."  
"I love you, too."  
Romulus sunk the dagger into Remus up to the hilt, and watched as the life faded from the eyes of his love.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

The years wore on, and Romulus built his city, and his kingdom. He married and had an heir, as was expected of the king that he was. He grew fond of his family, but he still did not forget Remus. When he died, he was buried next to Remus. And that is how they were found by archaeologists many centuries later. They were side by side once more, just as they were always meant to be.


End file.
